The Art of The Side-Eye
An operating manual
What do Bill Clinton, Donald Trump, and Tiger Woods all have in common? Aside from the obvious: They are American — and were caught playing fast-n-loose with the opposite sex.
Answer: They are all recipients of a collective side-eye from an incredulous onlooking world.
Tiger Woods irked African-Americans in 1997 when he went to pains to tell us he didn’t see himself as black. As someone joked at the time; try explaining that to the KKK when they’re on your porch. Now, to be clear, as a person of mixed ancestry, it is his right to define how he sees himself but many thought this quite… unnecessary. Perhaps, even a cynical ploy to broaden his appeal and hence endorsement deals.
When Tiger was arrested for sleeping at the wheel in 2017, the police put his race designation down in the report as ‘black’ pronto. And as you and I know, after Tiger’s string of extra-marital activities surfaced, he lost his biggest endorsement deals quicker than an athlete taking a #blm knee. How’s that for irony?
Irony, by the way, is fate giving you the side-eye.
In 1998, Bill Clinton was given the side-eye when he assured us that he “…did not have sexual relations with that woman.” I mean, the girl kept the dress with his er, DNA on it.
Then there’s The Donald. Where do I even begin? This guy must hold the record for the most side-eyes given any human anywhere on the planet in the last five years. Trump reached his Mount Rushmore when in a genuine bid to be helpful, he wondered aloud whether ingesting disinfectant might actually help us fight Covid-19. Even his supporters joined the long-suffering Dr. Fauci in giving him the side-eye.
So What is a Side-Eye?
Need we define this word? It literally does what it says on the tin. But just in case you don’t know what it is, a side-eye is
“…a facial expression meant to convey doubt, shock, scorn, or criticism of the person it’s aimed at. It’s made by looking at someone indirectly, out of the corners of the eyes.”
That definition is from dictionary.com which interestingly goes on to inform readers that the earliest recorded use of giving someone the side-eye was found in a 1797 periodical.
The side-eye is not new-ish.
Not since Arnold on Diff’rent Strokes, has this venerable facial expression enjoyed the popularity it has in the last decade and a half.
Obviously, all cultures use the side-eye but it seems black folk have distilled it down to an art form. Who can forget Michelle Obama’s side-eye at Donald Trump’s inauguration?
Measuring the Side-Eye
The side-eye obeys the uncertainty principle; a theory in quantum physics that asserts that the momentum and position of a sub-atomic particle cannot be precisely determined at the same time. In plain language: The very act of looking closer at said particle makes the measurement of it more inaccurate.
This is the way of the side-eye.
The moment you turn to face a side-eye head-on, its intensity changes, usually dissipating into a figment of one’s imagination followed by denial by the giver of said side-eye. The side-eye can only be measured for strength by pretending that you haven’t noticed it. In other words, by meeting side-eye for side-eye, everything becomes clear. Face on, the side-eye may spin into any one of its cousins including the arched brow or the squint.
They are not the same.
Those look good on film. Not so, the side-eye, my friend. It is intentionally ugly, combative, and reserved for fools— which may include loved ones who, in a temporary state of idiocy, have offered themselves up for natural selection.
The side-eye is a facial expression designed to be seen and not seen simultaneously. Or better yet, seen by a third party but not by the person for whom it’s intended.
How to Engage The Side-Eye
To me, the side-eye is proof that humans are unique in this quadrant of the universe. Ever seen an alien depicted in popular culture capable of giving a side-eye? Think E.T.’s wide-eyed wonder, Spock’s permanently arched brow, the Xenomorph’s toothy grin…
Anyway, before I descend completely into farce and this article provokes its own side-eye, here are four tips on how best to engage it:
- The best side-eye is when the recipient’s subconscious knows you’re giving them the side-eye before it registers with their conscious. It takes years to perfect this skill.
- Avoid giving the side-eye around reflective objects. Especially a mirror. This facial expression has the unique ability to bite back on the giver. The intention of the side-eye may actually be to either be obvious or not-so-obvious to the recipient but if you’re unintentionally ‘caught’ giving the side-eye, you end up looking like a rat. A Judas biding his time to stab the recipient in the back. That’s bad PR.
- There’s a range when we speak of the side-eye’s intensity. As mentioned earlier, a side-eye can represent anything from amusement to nauseating disbelief. If you get the intensity wrong, the recipient will think it completely unjustified. You don’t need that stress, especially on a night out.
- As the recipient of the side-eye, the best way to deal with it is to totally ignore it. The second-best way is to address it directly. Which approach you take will depend on a number of factors ranging from whether you feel you totally deserve it to whether you’re spoiling for a fight and ready to flush that relationship down the drain.
Conclusion
Forget the pout. Take a moment to practice your side-eye in front of a mirror instead. Especially, if you’ve got grand ambitions of becoming a parent, a reality TV star, or a politician. Guaranteed, there’ll be ample opportunity to let someone know they’re being annoying. Or, as is often the case in the last two arenas, set yourself apart so observers don’t taint you with the same brush as the moron standing next to you.
